Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Randomize
