I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Randomize
