I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize