he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
Randomize
