I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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