My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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