I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
How naked do you want me to be?
Randomize
