New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
I wear drunk well.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize