You're my little dorito
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
Randomize
