Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
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