is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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