I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
I'm sobbing to NWA
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
