New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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