i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
honey bunches of taint.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
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