Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
TYLER... glimpse of last night: leather chaps, guacamole dip, a jump rope, spray paint, and rhinestone studded pajamas.
i think you have the wrong number... but your story sounds delightful.
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
Randomize
