He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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