I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
