The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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