I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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