So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
Randomize
