There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
