Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
