i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
