dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
