just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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