I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Randomize
