I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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