I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
