You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
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