Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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