Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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