did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
