before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
