Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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