my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
thus making me awesome and them whores
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
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