Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
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