i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
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