Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
