you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
Randomize
