I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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