cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
i'm going through the NYU 2014 group looking for future drunken hookups. too slutty?
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Randomize
