I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize