my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
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