And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
Randomize
