it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
