6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
