she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
Randomize
