I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
