Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Randomize
