Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize