if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
