Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
True strength comes from lack of pants
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
