The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
