The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Randomize
