I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
false alarm, still single
Your penis caused this!
True college students do jello shots in the library
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