I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
