I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Ketchup is God's man juice
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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