Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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